It's the 4th of July ... again

It's the 4th of July here in the USA again. Yes, it comes around once a year. And for the every July 4th this past last decade, I'm at home, watching some sort of movie marathon, again.

Now, I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm writing this because I'm confused. I have what I think are friends, but as I looked back over the past year, I realized the only times my friends and I got together was when I suggested it. There have been maybe two or three times one friend or another asked me to do something, but I feel these friendships have been very one-sided.

I don't have a lot of friends. Never have. Never been part of a clique or group, never been in the popular crowd. Never really fit in. I've had some close friends, mainly in college, but they've all gone to the four corners of the earth. I've tried to make new friends, but it's quite evident when I do, I'm obviously the untrustworthy outsider. Good enough to be friends on Facebook, but not much else. Just as when I was in high school, I can hear people talking in whispers about me. 

It's hard to make friends at my age. I have absolutely nothing in common with those who are my age - I'm not married, have no kids, and really, can't relate to what a 40-something should be doing. I still feel I'm in my 20s, wanting to do what 20-somethings do, but ... yeah, don't fit in that way. 

I don't blame my friends - as I said, I don't really fit in. But it'd be nice to be asked sometimes. Go to a museum, park, go see the fireworks tonight ... anything. I try to drop hints (would love to see the Pride parade one day; although I must admit I was asked to go a couple years ago, but it would have meant me travelling alone to Chicago and having no idea where to go AND it was going to be in the 90s that day. Me and heat do NOT get along and it would have been just too embarrassing for me to pass out from the heat around so many strangers.) 

I won't invite myself along with anyone. It's rude. But perhaps that's how it's done these days. Don't really know. All I know is that I'm home, again, when all I really want is to enjoy seeing the fireworks.

Happy 4th of July to everyone (hey, it's the 4th everywhere, whether you celebrate a holiday or not).