Soul Searching

Life has been a bitch, quite literally. I'm no where near I thought I'd be by now. I'm still struggling, just like I was in college. Too many bills, not enough money and no job prospects ... well, at least no jobs that aren't soul-sucking parasites that give you a little money for hours of mind-numbing tasks and offer little reward in return. I did that for ten years and got 'comfortable' with the steady check that never quite paid all the bills but kept the debt collectors away. A job that didn't contribute one iota to retirement or savings, but one that would keep a roof over my head and food on the table. Until one day it was gone, with no warning whatsoever. Not one inkling there was something wrong until I showed up one Monday morning.

Anyway, that is in the past. I thought I could get back on my feet pretty quickly, but that didn't happen. I know my depression is getting worse as time goes on (it's been over 18 months) and that is so not helping with the job hunting. I try to keep a good game face, try to keep positive, but I feel I'm at the bottom of the barrel now. I am finding little pleasure anymore and if it wasn't for Rocky and Maggie, I'm not sure I'd be here right now. Even when they try my patience (Rocky still hasn't gotten the 'going outside to potty' thing 100% down), they are my furbabies.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this today. I know not many people will see it, I guess. When I could afford to talk to a therapist, she said I should write things down, so I am. I'm just tired of the struggle. Tired of facing each day alone. Really tired of wondering if I'll be able to stay in my home.

All I want to do is write and teach, two of my top passions. However, writing takes peace of mind and yeah, I don't have that right now. And teaching, at least in my position, is all about the numbers - will enough students sign up for a class so I can teach it. I'm not guaranteed any teaching position at any time. This summer I only got two credit hours to teach, so yeah, money is so freaking tight I have to plan to buy a $1 cheeseburger. And now ... foreclosure is probably in my future.

I don't like to beg, I've never liked asking for anything. Probably why I'm finding myself in this position now. Now yeah, I'll speak my mind, I'll discuss just about any issue except myself. I don't like myself much anymore. I don't like what I've become and I don't see any way out.

I hate asking, but I could use some help. For those few that read this, I'd appreciate anything.

Help a Starving Artist

I'm hoping in the coming days I can make some money doing some on-line work. I've signed up with one of those 'work at home' business that farm out data entry, web research, article writing, etc. If I can grab a few of those gigs and get a little money coming in, I can feel I can turn a corner. If I can get the bank off my back, renegotiate a payment plan with them and have something left over for a cheeseburger, I'm hoping my peace of mind comes back. I want to write, I want to share my wild and crazy stories with the world. They do no one any good bouncing around in my brain.

I know others have survived depression and I'm hoping to call myself a survivor as well.